How are you holding up? Seriously…how are you doing?

I wish I could ask each of you that question…face to face…without masks!! 

But alas, it’s 2020. So, most of the time, I ask that question over the phone or through a screen. I still care about the answer, though. I really do.

It’s November. The cooler weather is a welcome change. But, for many of us, everything else feels about the same. We had a finish line in mind – but it keeps getting moved. There’s not a vaccine yet. The Thanksgiving plans got cancelled. And the kids are still at home. Even if your candidate won the election…so much still feels unknown!

Let me ask you this – how’s your marriage handling all this?

Maybe, back in March, you were hopeful.  For 2 weeks, or even 2 MONTHS, you appreciated a slower pace. You had family game nights, tried new recipes, and went on walks every evening before bed.

(Oh! And you got a puppy back in the spring. That was the best day!)

But now it’s almost WINTER. How are you doing NOW? Tired? Stressed? Annoyed? Disconnected? Over it??

You’re not alone.

When couples go through seasons of chronic stress (where there’s no “known” finish line), they become relationally fatigued.  Day in and day out, pouring out so much individual energy, they end up with little to offer one another. 

During stressful or overwhelming seasons, couples also tend to suffer from “tunnel vision.” Tired eyes see everything that’s out of place or unfinished. Dirty dishes. Piles of laundry. Unpaid bills.

It’s easy, on days like this, to conclude that our spouse is LACKING, not LOVING.

Nobody wants this to happen. But it’s easy to get into these ruts. Here’s the good news – for MOST couples who have found themselves in a rut and want to get back on track, there’s no need to perform grand romantic gestures or plan a surprise trip overseas. Instead, consider a return to the “basics.”

Research reveals that the happiest couples maintain 3 healthy habits…no matter what they’re going through. I call them “The marriage “A,B,C’s” (because I’m sort of a nerd like that).

A – Appreciation.

Remember the tunnel vision I was talking about? It’s a real threat to marriage connection because it causes us to be more critical than kind. Pointing out what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Last weekend, Steve decided to fix our kitchen sink. What was promised to be a 30-minute project turned into an all-day affair. And I’ll be honest – I was a little annoyed. I had other plans for our family time (and MY time) that day. None of them came to fruition. But, as the hours ticked by, I knew I was faced with a choice – share my gratitude and appreciation OR express my annoyance. 

I chose the former (And believe me. I’m not perfect. And that hasn’t always been my choice) 

“Honey – I sure do appreciate you. You’re one devoted guy. I’m sorry this is taking so long.” 

Steve looked right at me. Grateful. “Thanks babe. That really means a lot right now.”

I could have easily depleted him with words of annoyance or an eye roll. But I chose to see beyond the tunnel. 

B – Boundaries with Technology.

Don’t even get me started. I could write a novel about this. (But lots of people smarter than me already have!)

SCREENS - They’re helpful. They’re necessary. But they can be really harmful.

Please trust me when I tell you that one of the BEST boundaries you can set for your marriage is to get a handle on those screens. If you don’t, they have the potential to interrupt, or even INVADE your marriage relationship before you recognize what’s happening. 

SOME TIPS:

1)    Decide on a mutual time of day when phones are on silent…or better yet…out of sight
2)    Don’t allow them to join you for meals. 
3)    Put them to bed before you. (And, for extra credit – make their “bedroom” separate from yours.)

C – Connecting conversations

When we’re stressed, it’s easy to fall onto the couch next to our spouse at the end of the day and binge watch a TV show. I’m ok with this. Steve and I have our shows! But this can’t be our ONLY rhythm for connection.

A connecting conversation doesn’t always need to start with “how was your day?” In fact, these days, there’s a risk that question will be answered with, “Uh….fine I guess. Same as yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that.”

Remember when you dated and went without sleep for weeks because you couldn’t WAIT to learn something more about each other?? So…that season has passed. We’re all too tired for that right now. But seriously - when’s the last time you asked each other great questions? (Besides “What do you want for dinner?” or “What time will your conference call be finished?”)

Connecting conversations start with curiosity. Even if you’ve been married for 30 years, you don’t know everything about your spouse. So, set some time aside. The sky is the limit (and, honestly – google has some great leads!)

The questions can be as simple as: 

“What was the best lesson you learned from a coach growing up?”
“When you were little, what job did you dream about having?”
“What was your best vacation as a kid?”
“What was your scariest moment ever?”

And for my deep-end swimmers…

“What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done?”
“What’s your biggest regret from your 20’s?”
“If you could ask God 1 thing that you’re struggling to understand, what would it be?”

2020 has been a doozy for all of us. But we don’t have to wait for the finish line to get out of the daily ruts we find ourselves in. I get it. It’s easier to go through the motions. Easier to check-out instead of check-in. But…just maybe give the “ABC’s” a shot. They might feel a little awkward at first. But they’re free. And there’s a chance they could make a BIG impact.